27:Bashing Trailer Trash

Happy Monday to you all, my gublog work camps!

Now readers, as you know, I'm not an unnecessarily angry person; I'm pretty mellowed out. If anyone cares to disagree with that statement, just leave your name and address in the comment section and I'll be over shortly with a sock full of batteries.
 

 I'm going to need a bigger sock.

But there comes a time when even my patience wears thin. So what am I so angry about I have to bitch it out for all the internet to hear? Ke$ha (the dollar sign makes it Cla$$y) and her song "Tik Tok". I have had to listen to this train-wreck abortion (band name up for grabs) no fewer than 20 times in the last 2 weeks.

"Well this hardly qualifies as a problem", you might say, cracking open another puppy skull and slurping down the contents like a giant oyster. But you'd be wrong. Of the two dozen or so times I have been subjected to this musical malady, I was given no choice in the matter. It seems no matter where I go I hear this goddamn  song. I wake up in the morning (decidedly not feeling like P-Diddy) and it's playing on the radio station I set my alarm to. I  pop by the corner store to pick up some groceries and it's playing over the loudspeakers. I get home and decide to catch an episode of The Simpsons.





So naturally I did what I always do in times of crisis. Something bat-shit insane. But that didn't exactly pan-out. Needless to say halfway up a radio broadcasting antennae with a hacksaw between your teeth, isn't the easiest situation to talk your way out out.

 The gorilla suit didn't help either.

Now I've dealt with my fair share of ear-worms, catchy little ditties with a cool beat and no real meaning. They come and go, in one ear and out the other, as it were. But this is different. This particular song has been played so many times, that its starting to sink into my brain. I...I..actually know the words to "Tik Tok".

Ever since I came to the realization, trying to jab the lyrics out of my brain with a Q-tip, but no dice. I occasionally get up to head-butt the wall in front of me, but for the love of god I can't shake these words free. Right now I'm just wondering how many tiny jars of white-out I'd need to huff to blank out these memories.

Not so great in coffee though.

  While I bulk order crates of liquid paper online, let's in the mean time discuss the lyrics to Tik Tok, because like a raging case of the Ebola,  if you can't cure it, the next best thing is to spread it to a bunch of people you don't like. So the music starts in and Ke$ha hits us with this little nugget.

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy
(Hey, what up girl?)
Grab my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit this city
(Lets go)
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
'Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back

While I'm sure, Ke$ha has everything in the world with Hip-hop and R&B idol Sean "Puffy" Combs, it's really the second-to-last line that bothers me. Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack. Now that can't possibly be good for your teeth. Especially since cheap whiskeys are generally loaded with tooth-rottingly high amounts of sugar.So as a favour to her, I've prepared this handy chart on the benefits of brushing your teeth with Crest over a bottle of Jack.

Also, it's only been what? Three lines? Since you woke up and you're already hitting the bottle? There's a fine line between social drinking and alcoholism, you threw up on it about a mile back. Then she ends the verse with 'Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back. Sadly, this proves to be an empty promise. Although we hope that she won't, she will be coming back, not unlike the Herp.

I'm talking pedicure on our toes, toes
Trying on all our clothes, clothes
Boys blowing up our phones, phones
Drop-topping, playing our favorite CDs
Pulling up to the parties
Trying to get a little bit tipsy

 Now I could go after the vain ideals she sets out in this verse, but that would be a little hypocritical what with my daily white-rhino placenta face masks, and youth elixirs made from tears of a mother bear that has seen her cubs captured and sold to the circus. 

So instead I'll go after the fact that she repeats herself at the end of every line. Did she already use up all 50 words she knows?  Did she stroke out sometime between the first and second verses? What happened? PS: That's probably not so much the boys as a faulty cellphone battery. 


Now for what I consider to be the crown jewel of stupidity:

And now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger

Now let's be honest Ke$ha, you just wanted a rhyme for swagger, didn't you. So you loaded up Rhymezone.com typed in "swagger" and just picked the first word in the list.  How do I know this? I've seen Mick Jagger. You can too, all it takes is a simple Google Image search, my dear.

 Hello ladies...
 

This is the man you'd want to meet when you're out at the club with your friends. Look at that picture. No don't turn away! LOOK AT IT! Next time in between applying the 3rd and 4th auto-tune filters, you may want to check if your lyrics actually make any goddamn sense. On a side note, there is a disturbingly high occurrence of people googling whether or not Mick Jagger is Ke$ha's father. 

I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk

Now, now, we go until they kick us out, out
Or the police shut us down, down
Police shut us down, down
Po-po shut us

 

Finally she winds it down with some more aneurysm induced stuttering and and some meaningful thought provoking prose, such as excessive drinking and boys trying to touch her junk.

Pictured: Ke$ha's Junk

So yeah then then police come and with the end of the party comes the end of this Homeric Epic, but not before they shove the chorus down our ears a fifth time. Presumably her next song will involve being in a Wendy's at 3AM, loudly complaining about "those fucking pigs" while screeching at her boyfriend through her cell phone to pick her up.

Well there you go readers, what some could consider a "review" of the musical stylings of Ke$ha. Now while this is the 2nd musical artist I've ripped on, this is by no means a sign of things to come; that this blog is slowly becoming a Perez Hilton knock-off. This is just something that has been really annoying me for the last little while. So, with my rage-bladder finally emptied, this is me signing off. So until next time, here's another picture of  Mick Jagger