She's not heavy she's my mother OR Yo momma so respected, she....

How it's hanging, my blog flumes,

Now for those of you still unaware, this Sunday is a very special day for  Mothers the world over. That's right! It's the birthday of Wu-Tang Clan member and associate Ghostface Killah. Which I believe people celebrate by driving into the suburbs and terrorizing the upper-middle class whities or UMCW. It's also Mother's Day.

Not to be confused with Mothra's Day. That's something completely different.

Now whether or not you believe that Mother's Day is just another Hallmark Holiday, you can't deny the face that without her and by extension her uterus, you wouldn't be here. So I figure that deserves at least day of recognition.  I mean you get a party every year just for bursting out of her.

No comment.

Haunting mental images aside, it also can't be denied that a mother plays an important role in her children's lives.  A mother is a nurturer, a teacher, and a role model,  she helps impart onto us our morals and values. . She also occasionally tries to drive us bat-shit insane and has more than once had us wonder what a bus ticket to Mexico would set us back. Still, although we may have our issues with her, in the long run she's done us more good than bad, right?

Also I feel it worth mentioning that while most of us celebrate Mother's Day, a much smaller percentage of that can agree on what a mother actually is. A mom may a mom in the traditional sense, or your mom may just be the person who gave you half your genome (surrogate), she might be one who raised you (adoptive) or she might total bitch (raised by wolves). Some of us even have two moms (like Heather) or three moms (like Heather in the sequel)

So I don't think it would hurt you in anyway to do your darndest in paying her back this Mother's Day with some good old fashioned recognition and on that note I'd like to present...

How not to suck at Mother's Day
So it's Mother's Day, whatchu gonna do about it? Now for those of you who didn't just immediately take off out the door, praying that the Gas-n-Go sells flowers, I'm here to help you have the best mother's day ever, with a hearty bowl of unwarranted criticism of every decision you've made thus far. Ahh, just like mom used to make.

Gift: Mother's Day coupons
Quality: *
And you wonder why you're the least favorite.  For those of you who don't know what a Mother's Day Coupon is, it's last minute gift where you jot down various menial chores on a sheet of loose-leaf, which your mother can cash it at any time. It is also a sham of a travesty of an
abomination. It's a bad gift is what I'm saying.You're essentially giving them a voucher for some you should probably already be doing.  Just for a second imagine if the situation were reversed and your mom gave you a gift certificate for "cooking dinner tonight" for your birthday. Yeah stings doesn't it? The only thing Mother's Day coupons are good for are seeing if you can get your mom to punch you in the face.

Better Gift: Actual coupons
Well you set the bar preeetty low there skipper, so pretty much anything would be a better gift. Here are three reasons right off the bat, why coupons beat gift coupons every time.

• Store won't ever be "too busy with important stuff" to honour them
• Regular coupons comes every week, as opposed to once a year
• 2-for-1 on Fro-Yo. Dude, TWO FOR ONE.
  

Gift: Flowers and a nice card
Quality:**
While flowers and a card are miles ahead of the last "gift" idea. They are also fairly low ranking in terms of gift quality. Technically sufficient, but boring, the flowers with a card are the missionary position of Mother's Day gifts. Not to mention any connotations that flowers might be carrying. Think for a second, when else do you give someone flowers? Valentine's days and anniversaries come for sure, but also hopsital visits and funerals. So what exactly are your intentions there, mister. Are you an Oedipus Rex or a Norman Bates?

Better Gift: Candy
Candy: A terrific stripper's name and even better gift. Often accompanied by the two schmucks above, Candy is clearly the alpha-dog in that pack, the Alec of the Baldwin brothers if you will. Also it's pretty darn hard to screw up. With just a single box of chocolates, you have like 20 chances that she'll find at least one flavour she likes. But what if your mom isn't a fan of sweets or worse, she has the diabeeetus. Well first of all, Mr. Brimley please get off my blog, you're no longer welcome here after the last incident. Secondly if that should be the case we simply take the central "sampler" idea of the box of chocolates and apply it another food group. Smoked meat basket, anyone?

Gift: Breakfast in bed
Quality: ***
Ah, Breakfast in bed, an classic stand-by. A trifle unoriginal, but it does showthat you're willing to put in work to make your mom happy, and that's a nice sentiment. Having to wake up in the morning extra early, grabbing stuff out of the cupboards and fridge, while trying your hardest not to make a peep, so mom could sleep in.You might've burnt the french toast a bit, or forgotten to de-pulp the orange juice, but mom never seemed to mind.

Better Gift: Brunch
Like the unicorn, Brunch is a combination of two lesser entities to create a whole greater than the sum of it's parts. Brunch, it sits atop the meal hierarchy ruling it's subjects with smug air of self-satisfaction. Where as breakfast has bacon and eggs, Brunch will not sully it's hand with anything less than lobster and champagne. Now the more astute of you will have noticed, I don't mention anything about Brunch being in bed. That is of course because a meal like Brunch can only be enjoyed in surroundings of equal or greater fancitude.A hot air balloon above the Himalayas, a bathtub filled with Perrier, atop the Queen of England's shoulders as she gives you a piggyback ride. These are the places where people brunch.



Gift: Something she actually wants.
Quality:****
 So you actually pay attention to your mother, you've learned about her hobbies, her interest, her secret addiction to tic-tacs and you're sure you've picked out the absolute perfect gift.You've scoured every shop in the city. You've combed every auction on the Electronic Bay. You've done terrible, horrible, unforgivable things to get what you needed. Quite frankly you've gone above and beyond anything that can be expected from any sane person. So you win right? Perfect gift? Top prize? High score?

Better Gift: That same thing, but like, more expensive.
No. None of those things. It doesn't matter what you've found, how perfect it is or how long you spent searching. There will always be a something better that you could've got if you'd dropped more cash . She loves Charles Dickens, so you got her a first edition David Copperfield? With a little more dough, you could have gotten the original manuscript. She enjoys Monet's works, so you got her a print of The Artist's house at Argenteuil, 1873? For a few more ducats, you could've hired professional art thief, Pierre Lestraud, to steal the original. You found the doll from her childhood that she lost, when her family fled occupied Poland? Well, I found the wedding ring your grandmother had to pawn to afford the boat tickets for a new life in America, and it can be yours for a not unreasonable price.

Gift: Some piece of crap you made when you were 5
Quality:*****
As we reach the end of our list, we also approach the pinnacle of Mother's Day gifts. The piece of crap you made when you were 5. Give this to your mom and step back. The moment she is presented with the gift, she will take a trip down memory lane so powerful it will warp the immediate time-space fabric. You will be forced to spend the next several hours relieving the first 10 years of your life through home movies and photo albums, the background noise an unending loop of coos and awws.  Still you'll sit through it, a smile plastered on your face, happy because she's happy.

Better Gift: Sabotage
Now as we discussed, you really can't top this gift. What you can do however is sabotage the gifts of your other siblings, making yours seem even better by compairison. Now if you've been reading my posts, you should probably already have several ideas on how to accomplish this. All I can say is go, where your heart leads you. Also, snakes are fairly easy to smuggle out of the reptile house at the zoo.

Well readers, this ends yet another one of my posts, and having already written so many many words. I'll leave the ending of this post in the very capable hands of my colleage, Mr. Laurence Tureaud. Later.