BTSUCCWDPRS #1: Jiffy Pop

Happy days! my Bloguna beaches,

Now today, I'd like to introduce a new segment on this blog I'm calling "Behind-the-scenes undercover consumer watchdog protection report...squad";a little segment where I help you find out which companies are secretly screwing you out of your hard earned rupiah (the majority of this blog's readership consists of a small village in Indonesia) with shoddy second-rate products that aren't fit for an anjing!

My readers and I at last year's blogiversary picnic. See if you can find me.

Product:Jiffy Pop

For those of you unaware, Jiffy Pop is brand of instant popcorn that's unique in that it's cooked on a stove-top, rather than a microwave. Still despite Jiffy Pop's quaint image of old-fashioned stove-top popcorn, it should be recognized as what it is: a veritable titan of the popcorn market. But has the success they've enjoyed blinded the makers of Jiffy Pop? Has it left them greedy, making promises they know they can't keep? Is Jiffy Pop a delicious corn based treat or is it just a hot buttery foil-bag of lies?  The answers to these questions are "yes, yes and hot buttery foil-bag of lies."

 This should be the face you're making. If not, make this face.

 While Jiffy Pop brand popping corn, does both contain corn and pop during its cooking, sadly it fails to satisfy it's third requirement, and being someone who frequently fails to satisfy things, I know what I'm talking about.

Well Janet, maybe I could get you "hot", if you weren't such a frigid bitch

I am, of course, talking about the jiffy in Jiffy pop. By the placement of  "Jiffy" as the first word in the product name, one can assume that the company is promising that popcorn will be cooked in a jiffy. Now speaking in terms of quantum physics, a "jiffy" constitutes a very small period of time. How small you ask? Really small.Really really really small. So small that you don't even. A jiffy is another word for a unit of Planck time a.k.a. the smallest amount that can be observed in the physical universe. Damn. You sure set the bar high don't you Jiffy Pop.




Wait, go back a couple seconds.

Huh, that's odd.5-8 minutes popping time? Well that's certainly more than a jiffy. But then again you have to take into account that this commercial is from the 80s; surely in the 30 or so years it's been since there, the fine folks of Jiffy Pop have innovated/improved their corn based technologies.

 Maybe if we invert the kernel matrix, it won't reject the husk algorithm

So I dug around on Youtube until I could find another more recent Jiffy Pop video.





Damn, still not even close. Well, I figure there's one last thing we could try; even if it is a tad far-fetched. Now I suppose if we were to cook the Jiffy pop using something other than the heating element in a stove, we may get different results. As I mentioned earlier, a Jiffy is a unit of time primarily used in quantum physics,so it would only be appropriate to pop the popcorn in the highest concentration of physics on the planet: The Large Hadron Collider.

So I set off taking the private jet to Austria, where I disembarked took the private train to Zürich, before finally taking the private car to Geneva (God, I'm lonely). I arrived in Geneva in the late afternoon, was at the CERN centre by nightfall. Under the cover of night,  I made my way underground though a broken maintenance entrance. I jimmied open a hatch on one of the collision tunnel and placed the Jiffy Pop inside.

How was I able to walk around so freely inside of an  international multi-billion dollar scientific construct  with such little resistance you ask? Well while particle physicists are adept at a great deal of things, brazillian knife fightning isn't one them.

 Awful stance, terrible form and really, a plastic knife handle?

Well I started up the proton beam on the highest setting they had, counted out a jiffy on my watch and headed back to the collision tunnel, taking care not to step on the several unconscious physicists as I made my way .What I found within the tunnel was...unexpected.

Damn it, why couldn't I have accidentally made Flubber.

I'm not sure what it is really. From sight alone, it appears to be sphere of luminous gas about 3 inches across, though this seems to be just one of the forms it can take, it rapidly shifts in between the four states of matter,  solid one second and ionized plasma the next. It emits a harsh blinking light that changes hue and frequency every few minutes are so.My attempts to gather further information have been thwarted by what seems to be an EM-field emitted by the sphere, any electronic equipment shorts out when placed within 4 feet of the anomaly. It also has the fairly disturbing ability to disintegrate any matter that placed inside of it. I am fairly certain it isn't Jiffy Pop.

 .

Not entirely sure what to do with it, I carefully resealed the entity inside of a Jiffy Pop container and sent it back to Jiffy Pop's parent company, Con Agra, with a note about the product being faulty. Hopefully they'll send me my money back, but I'd be fine with some vouchers too.

Well that ends my first ever segment of "Behind-the-scenes undercover consumer watchdog protection report...squad" As for Jiffy Pop, despite it been fully suitable as popcorn, it can't cash the cheque it's makers write and if there's one thing I hate it's cheques. So, I'm afraid I'll have to give them my lowest (and highest) score ever.

2/5 Snuffaluffagusses: Not up to snuff.