Fifteen against green.

Yo! How's its hangin' my synablogues?

Now I don't want to get all sentimental on you guys, but it seems like with each passing day, I'll look out my window and I'll be able to see a little more of Spring. Maybe it'll be the scenery getting greener , or the return of the cheerful songs of chickadees from their winter migration. My point being they need to cut that shit out, right now. Now before I go into my tirade, I should say I have no problem with Spring, I like Spring; it's a nice season. But Spring, much like whatever band happens to be opening for Nickelback, may be all nice and good, it also heralds the coming something darker, something entirely more evil. Allergy Season.

This graph took entirely too long to make.

As you can plainly see, I loathe allergy season. It and it alone has the power to turn me into a red-eyed snot-dripping mass of used tissues. Truly it is a formidable opponent.  Sure, I could just take the occasional allergy pill, but in essence that'd just be me surrendering to the plants and it's a slippery slope from there, my friend. Sure today we're taking our allergy pills before you we leave for work. But tomorrow (literally tomorrow) ,we'll be taking our euthanasia pills before we are forced to toil in the mines under the oppression of our leafy overlords!

Oh my god, it's already happening!

What truly astonishes me however is how many people are simple fine with this. Every day when you step out of your hyperbaric oxygen chambers (you live in one of those too right?), you're bombarded with with waves upon waves of nearly invisible invaders, which then proceed to lodge themselves all up on your grill.But hey it's only pollen right? Sure, but do you know what that pollen really is? Plant jizz. The pollen grain plays the same role fertilization mechanism for flower bearing plants as sperm does in animal reproduction.Yep that's right, when ever you step outside on a windy day and take a second to marvel at the trees waving back and forth, you are becoming the unwilling participant in a giant cross-species bukkake.

She had it coming, waggling her thorax like that. Whore! 

But still they're only plants right? I mean we use their wood to build our crappy swedish furniture, we spin their fibres to make our clothing, hell, we even eat them. Why should we be afraid of something we use literally everyday of our lives.You fool! That was their plan all along! They lulled us into a false sense of security while they builtup their stockpile weapons for the future war. Poison ivy, stinging nettles, bramble thorns, these are just the tip of the iceberg. Sure these "weapons" may pale in comparison to our high-tech death machines. But don't forget they still outnumber us at least 1000 to 1 and let's definitely not forget that without our technology we're pretty much useless in fighting,  have you ever tried beating up a Redwood in hand-to-hand combat? 

 

We're gonna need a bigger axe.

But now what? What are we do about the green menace? Are we doomed to witness the extinction of the human race? Fortunately there are things you can do to aid in the war effort.

- Instead of  recycling, try decycling. It's where you light your recyclables on fire and throw them in heavily wooded areas.

- Become a vegetarian, and inflict horrifying psychological trauma, by eating their dead in front of them.

- Water all the gardens on your block with a 30/70 mixture of bleach and more bleach.

- Bitchslap a ficus plant. 

- Plants grow better when you talk to them, give your houseplants the silent treatment.Followed by the pouring bleach on them treatment.

-Fact: Plants need to be planted in the earth to survive. Solution: Blow up the Earth.

So there comrades, ways that even you can help out against the green menace.Well until next time, keep up the good fight against against those photosynthesizing freaks, comrades. As for me? I'm going out to pick up more tissues.