33: Aliens........from Outer Space?!?!?!

So bad news my astroblogical signs,

I still have yet to finish deciphering the contents of my log from what I was out at sea. Mainly on account of I don't want to. But like the two dozen or so Rwandan refugees currently being held in my basement, I will get around to dealing with it. Eventually.

  Until then they'll just have to enjoy the all day Puppy Parlour and Candytorium

In the meanwhile something else has sparked my intrigue.  Last Sunday, the New York Times ran an article about the UN selecting Malaysian astrophysicist and current director of the United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs (UNOOSA) , Mazlan Othman, as "first-contact ambassador". Basically in the event of extra-terrestrial contact, she would be the person to directly communicate with the aliens and essentially act  ambassador; by proxy representing the entire human race. As opposed to the current system where the aliens communicate solely by speaking directly into the brain of this man.

I don't need mind reading to tell what the cat's thinking.

Now as of the Sunday, both the UN and Mazlan Othman have commented on the topic, both denying it and declaring it be nothing more than "nonsense".

Now readers, this got me thinking. It is really a good idea to selecting our space ambassador on such trivial criteria like "knowledge of space" and "diplomatic experience"? The answer is, of course, no. Before I explain to you my rationale, first you should get a sense of where Earth and humanity fit in the grand scheme of the Universe. We are hicks. Hicks in the backmost of backwater star systems. Sure, we have attained a level of sentience and intelligence that has allowed us to build our modern civilizations. But despite our technological level, we are still backward enough that we are still not above killing one another for disagreeing with us or allowing half the global population to live in abject poverty. We are space-Alabama.

In space no one can hear you squeal like a pig, boy!

So with these facts in mind, let us ponder why would any extra-terrestrial want to visit Earth? Why would any advanced civilization attempt to reach someplace as primitive as this? Well as history tells us, one can probably assume correctly that they're only here to conquer/enslave us, or siphon all our resources leaving our planet little more than a dead husk.

 Citation

Now picture this:

Commander Darthrax of Murderlonians lands his flag-ship on the lawn of the White House.

He exits said ship followed by a phalanx of elite Murderlonian shocktroopers marching in perfect unison. In a thundering voice he demands to speak to the leader of this planetoid.The crowd stands in silent awe, no one quite sure what to do or say, when all of a sudden a sound is heard, a low buzz growing faintly louder.  It's coming from...above?  The crowd peers skyward to see a UH-60 Blackhawk descending. White House officials clear people away to make a landing zone.

Amidst the ruckus, Commander Darthrax bellows demanding to speak to the "Champion" of Earth waving his blaster rifle threateningly at the crowds.

The doors to the helicopter slide open, several heavily armed soldiers pour out forming taking defensive positions, the a lone figure exits. She the only thing standing between the Earth we know today and the future subjugated Murderlonian slave world

And she looks like my grandmother.

Would you like some Werther's Original, Mr. Darthax?

My point is we can't be sending in someone as matronly adorable as Mrs. Othman into our interstellar diplomacy. Ain't right. What we need is someone who can command the subtle blend of respect, comradeship and fear that will be essential when meeting with new extra-terrestrial species. Someone who can tell it like it is, and isn't afraid to stand-up to giant tentacled monstrosities in negotiations. Someone who isn't afraid to some put a couple of bullets into some silicon-based bitch when he steps out of line. I am of course talking about myself.

So to any UN officials that read this blog, here are just a few of the reasons, I would make an ideal "first-contact" ambassador (Or should I say Badassador)

• Knowledge of several tentacle based martial arts
• Doesn't take anyone's shit (Also the reason, no longer allowed at dog park)
• Extensive knowledge of Microsoft Word.
• Own space-ship. As in it's a ship, and it takes up space.(Not a ship)
• Have been broadcasting "Mamma Mia" on a loop into deep space for past 9 years. Probably the reason they're here.
• Have seen "The Adventures of Pluto Nash",  understand the socio-dynamic complexities of alien-to-alien interaction, why Eddie Murphy no longer has a career.
• Aware that due to VAST differences in evolutionary pathways and biology, that "gettin' it with hot alien chicks" impossible. Still going to try.

I whole-heartedly await my letter of acceptance in the mail.