31: Keep me off the cart, I'm not yet dead.

"The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated."

                                                             -Mark Twain, American humorist/Mustachiologist

What's the happy happs, my eu-blogies?

Well as you might have already guessed , I am not dead; despite what my posting schedule might have you believe.

It lies for the attention. It's sad, really.

Well being both ambulatory and pulse-having, I decided I would finally get around to updating the old girl. So I am. Right now in fact. So what was I doing in my three week absence? Well that's a long story, but judging by the fact that you're on this blog, your clearly have enough time, so here I go:

My story begins in the most modest of places; upside down in an oil-drum slowly sinking into the abyssal depths of the Pacific Ocean. How I got there, I'm still not entirely sure, but I guess that over the course of thirty (3-muthafucking-0) posts of spewing rancid hate-bile at any person/place/thing that happened to cross my mind, I may have made a few enemies.

Potential Enemies List: Aa-Ab

Fortunately however, my assailers had neglected to gag me and using what I've learned from several hours of whale song CDs I was able to convince the beasts to save me, and in exchange I have keep the fine folks at Warner Bros from release any more Free Willy movies, which are apparently really offensive to them for some reason.

 Please help me, small white children. For being a whale I am clearly too stupid to survive on my own.

Anyways, one helicopter ride later, I was at long last home. Too tired for any of my usual chicanery, I decided I just stay in for the night and catch a movie. It was than however that I realized the only movie I own is "Chitty-chitty Bang Bang" and that's only because it was all I could grab before I was banned for life from the local Blockbuster.

 Oh com'on, like I'm the first person to ever illegally burn a DVD.

Also not quite up for the herculean task of going to a movie theater, my options were going up in smoke (Not unlike the neighborhood Blockbuster the next day). I figured I may have to just settle for whatever trash was playing on the television broadcast receiving monitor. I ended up settling on watching some documentary I stumbled across about the mentally disabled in modern society.Sad stuff.

As luck would have it, it was actually a commercial break that would turn out to be the solution to my problems.



The commercial, although poorly designed and terribly implemented (Is that really what they think a webpage looks like?) did intrigue me. Up 'til now I'd never heard of this "movie pirating" but the concept was clearly something that warranted further investigation. An unlimited amount of free movies whenever I want? Yes, please.

So I researched it further on the internet, and amongst all the porn and cat videos, I was able to discern something called "The Pirate's Bay". From what the legends told, it was a magical place where a man could acquire anything he wished provided he had enough seeds to trade for them. Or something along those lines.

It was at that point I decided that I would set out for this "Pirate's Bay" and return with a treasure trove's worth of cinematic masterpieces.

Three different movies. The same five jokes.

And after that it's, well, blurry. The next clear memory I have after that is waking up in a hospital bed, yesterday. I don't know what happened, but it I do have some clue. When I left the hospital, I was given everything I was carrying when I was admitted, a harpoon, several teeth in a small cinch-string pouch and a spiral bound notebook. The writing in the notebook is clearly my own, and from what I can make out it seems to be a journal, unfortunately, the book is heavily water damaged, so I'll be needing some time to transcribe the book.

Well I'm off to spend the next several hours with a powerful magnifying glass and pair of tweezers.Then once I'm done jerking it, I might get around to deciphering that book. HEY-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO Well that's all for now readers, I'm afraid you'll need to wait until tomorrow next week next month 2016 for the thrilling conclusion!