Dilly-Dally Delays

Bad News! my bloganberry pies,

I'm afraid I'll be delaying my twentieth blogiversary mega-post. You see, this morning I was in the kitchen making a Spanish omelet for breakfast, and long story short, the entire bottom level of my house is now flooded with deadly, deadly radiation. So, until the Geiger counter reading drops below "skin melting" I can't go downstairs. Downstairs is also unfortunately where I keep my blogging supplies.

 Pictured: My blogging supplies.

So yeah, now I'll just have to wait out the radiation. In the meanwhile, I'll tell you about the strange happenings that have been happening strangely as of late. Yesterday morning when I stepped outside to pick up my daily newspaper, I noticed that several of my trash cans had been tipped over and their contents strewn across the sidewalk. At first I figured it was just the work of some drunken teenagers, but when I went to check my trashcan security system, both the acid tank was still full. Odd. Naturally, the my next suspect were raccoons, but then I remembered that all the raccoons (as well as mailmen, girl scouts and Jehovah's witnesses) seem to have disappeared ever since I started letting Mr. Scruffaduff out at night.

Who's a good boy? You are! Whoooo's a good boy? You are!

Further puzzled, I went to check my security tapes, and it was there I witnessed the shocking truth. It seems last night, an unknown entity attacked my home. It caused the trees to shake wildly,  wind chimes to jangle ceaselessly and made anything not nailed down take off like a bird. It was terrifying, moving in all directions like some sort of invisible storm. It was this "force" that had knocked over my trashcans. But what was it? After many an hour in the conservatory pondering the events, piecing together the bits of information and I have discovered what happened that fateful night. Ladies and gentlemen. I have a poltergeist.

 Wait, that's what a conservatory is? Damn, I wanted the other one.

Fortunately, I happen to have a fair amount of experience in dealing with the supernatural (I'm a quarter wood nymph) ; and by reading this post you can too!

Dealing with a Poltergeist

Step 1: For minor ghosts and/or spirits: Prepare a ghost "scrub" by mixing 4 parts Holy Water to 1 part Shinto Purification Salts and 1 part Baking Soda in a large bucket. Pour half of the mixture into supersoaker and get down to hunting yourself some ghosts. After chasing ghosts off premises, apply the leftover scrub to all the inner surfaces of your home with a paint roller or pressure washer. This should stop any more ghosts from getting in. But you will need to reapply every 2-3 months. For a more permanent solution, try insulating the walls of your home with wadded-up pages of the bible (I suggest the book of Matthew, all that begatting doesn't make for very good reading)

Step 2: If the scrub has failed to chase away the ghosts , instead try tricking it into leaving by placing a trail of marshmallows leading outside of the house. Dead or alive, most creatures will be unable to resist the mallowy allure of the delicious air-puffed treat. You'll need to make a trail far enough away from your home so that the they won't be able to find their way back. The local fairgrounds is an ideal place to end up, the noise and colourful lights should disorient the spirit long enough for you to sneak away and hopefully never see them again.

Also works great with kids and the elderly. Just sayin'

Step 3: So it didn't go for the marshmallows or the fair, eh? Well I guess it's time to bring out the moderately-sized guns.Your goal now should be to make your domicile so unappealing enough to the ghost that it would rather run screaming back to the depth of Hell  then stay there a second longer. To do this you'll need to do some research on what kind of person the ghost was when he/she was alive. Was your ghost a classical music aficionado in life? Crank up the Nickelback. Did they used to be a fervent vegan before they bit the dust? Try blaring some Nickelback. Maybe they used t-Slap a copy of "Dark Horse" into your CD player and tear off the volume knob.

Make up your own comment for this one.

Step 4: Wow really? It's still there? Damn, usually the 'back always works.  Well maybe it's time to try the old time-tested solution of just ignoring it until it goes away. But you should know that ignoring an angry spirit is harder than it sounds and it already sounds pretty damn hard. But with these helpful tips, you'll barely know it's there.

-Go Amish and ditch all your electronic appliances.
-Glue plastic foam to all your doors and windows to muffle all the slamming noises.
-Paint your walls a shade of red and you'll hardly notice that they're bleeding.
-Pump up the death metal and you won't be able to tell if all the screaming is the music, or the tortured soul stuck on plane of existence.
-Join the World of Warcraft.

Last Resort: Ok, at this point, you're going to need to do epic battle with the ghost/ghosts. Although, I warn you now that this should only be used as a last resort. If worse comes to worse you are totally better off moving and selling the house to some goth couple, who are into that kind of thing. The reason I hesitate the bring this up is because ghosts are you may have already figured out, are very hard to kill and can easily fuck you up.

They can throw furniture and appliances at you.They can straight up possess you, make you rotate your head 360° and vomit all over the place. They can lovingly hold you as you sit at a pottery wheel sculpting an urn. In short, there's a reason ghosts are in horror movies and bunnies aren't.

Good horror movies. Good horror movies is what I meant.

However, that is not to say that are completely invulnerable. After reading all the pseudo-scientific articles  I could find about ghosts on the interweb, I've learned that a ghost is essentially  pure energy with a consciousness bound to it. Therefore the best way to destroy them, at least temporarily,  is to disrupt their energy matrix binding one to the other, using rapidly-alternating voltic frequencies. In layman's terms: Damned if I know, just tase the basterds.

That's right officer,  you "disrupt" that "ghost"!

Depending on the ghost, you may need more juice than the average taser can offer. In which case you may want to up switch up to an industrial sized cattle prod or for the really stubborn cases, one of these. One more piece of advice, while locked in epic combat with the ghost, don't let it fly through you; it doesn't hurt you but it  feels all weird and violate-y. Well readers if you've followed by instruction to a T (Or at least a Q). Your home should now be spook free, or you're dead. Either way that ghost shouldn't be bothering you anymore. Unless it's bullying you in the afterlife, in which case go tell God on him/her. 

Next up: Dealing with a Coultergeist